Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…