Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.