To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I'm single because I was born that way.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.