Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.