This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.