Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.