Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.