Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.