My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.