God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?