Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps