Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?