I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.