I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.