He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.