One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.