My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.