You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.