God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?