Women are made to be loved not understood.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm single because I was born that way.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Men are as faithful as their options.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.