If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.