A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.