Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.