I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.