I drink to make other people more interesting.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.