I'm single because I was born that way.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.