I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?