Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Men are as faithful as their options.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.