Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.