I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.