A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.