Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm single because I was born that way.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.