All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.