Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.