I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.