You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.