I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Men are as faithful as their options.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.