A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.