I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!