If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

No good deed goes unpunished.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.