There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

No good deed goes unpunished.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.