I have nothing to declare except my genius.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?