You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.