If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.