Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I'm single because I was born that way.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.