I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.