Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.