If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.