If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.