A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.