Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.