No good deed goes unpunished.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?