My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.