If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.