I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.