I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.