You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.