He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.