I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.