It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.