Men are as faithful as their options.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.