If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
No good deed goes unpunished.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.