If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.