When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.