When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

No good deed goes unpunished.