Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.