I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

No good deed goes unpunished.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.