Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

No good deed goes unpunished.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.