Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.