Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Men are as faithful as their options.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.