My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.