When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.