He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…