A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.