To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.