Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.