I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.