There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.