That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm single because I was born that way.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.