I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.