If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?