When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.