He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.