Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.