If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm single because I was born that way.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.