You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm single because I was born that way.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.