Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.