Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.