Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.