Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.