The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!