But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.