The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.