Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm single because I was born that way.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.