Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.