A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.