I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.