There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.