Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.