It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!