I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.