Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
