When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.