Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.