Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.