The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.