Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Sex is an emotion in motion.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.