Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.