War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.