You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.