Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.