It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.