God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!