Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.