A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.