One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.