No good deed goes unpunished.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.