War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.