When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!