Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

No good deed goes unpunished.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.