Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.