And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.