Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.