He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.