A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.