Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.