Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Men are as faithful as their options.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.