I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.