If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.