I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.