There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Men are as faithful as their options.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.