I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.