I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.