Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.