I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
No good deed goes unpunished.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.