He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.