If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

No good deed goes unpunished.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.