I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.