Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.