I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.