Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.