What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.