I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?