I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.