It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.