Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!