Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.