I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.