Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.