If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

No good deed goes unpunished.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!