Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.