By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.