I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm single because I was born that way.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.