Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.