You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.