My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.