I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.