It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.