I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.