Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm single because I was born that way.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.