Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I'm single because I was born that way.