Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.