I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I'm single because I was born that way.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.