To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.