I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm single because I was born that way.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?