God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.