I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.