I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm single because I was born that way.