I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.