I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.