Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.