I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.