When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

No good deed goes unpunished.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.