It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.