There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.