But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.