When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.