Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.