Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.