I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Sex is an emotion in motion.