An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

No good deed goes unpunished.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.