Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

No good deed goes unpunished.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.