If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.