My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.