I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.