Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.