The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.