There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.