I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.