Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.