If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.