Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?