I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.