The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I'm single because I was born that way.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!