Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion