It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.