Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.