You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.