When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.