The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.