It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.