Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.