Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.