Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.