You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.