A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.