I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.