I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.