Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.