One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.