I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.