When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I'm single because I was born that way.