I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.