The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.