If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

No good deed goes unpunished.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.