Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.