I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.