If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.