Men are as faithful as their options.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.