I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'