I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.