You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.