Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.