Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.