There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.