Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.