It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.