War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.