If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.