A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.