One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.