The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Men are as faithful as their options.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?