Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
No good deed goes unpunished.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.