I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.