If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.