I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.