Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.