When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.