War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.