I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.