When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.