If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
No good deed goes unpunished.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.