I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.