I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.