Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.