You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!