My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.