If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.