If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.