Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.