When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.