If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.