If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.