Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.