I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.