If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.