If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.