I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!