No good deed goes unpunished.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.