Women are made to be loved not understood.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!