If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.