One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.