The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.