Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money