Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments