Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.