A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.