I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.