Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.