I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.