What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.