[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.