I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.