May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.