No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.