I drink to make other people more interesting.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.