Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

No good deed goes unpunished.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.