Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.