A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments