Men are as faithful as their options.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.