Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Men are as faithful as their options.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?