Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.