Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.