I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.