I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.