Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.