You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?