Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I'm single because I was born that way.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.