I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Men are as faithful as their options.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.