I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!