I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.