If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I drink to make other people more interesting.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.