Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.