I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.