Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.