I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.