I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.