We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I drink to make other people more interesting.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.