Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.