No good deed goes unpunished.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.