Men are as faithful as their options.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.