I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.