Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.