I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.