You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.