Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.