I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments