If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

No good deed goes unpunished.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.